


this thing was a masterpiece, until you tore it all up

by humanluke



Series: 5sos prompts [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Drinking, M/M, Thanks, This is just some fucking angst yall, alcohol use, just time to fuck you up, that's all, with sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27045268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humanluke/pseuds/humanluke
Summary: The house was loud and crowded with many people at this party, and it wasn’t helping with Luke’s anxiety.--From the prompt, "what happened to us?"
Relationships: Calum Hood/Michael Clifford (mentioned), Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin
Series: 5sos prompts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2019475
Comments: 3
Kudos: 31





	this thing was a masterpiece, until you tore it all up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lifewasradical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifewasradical/gifts).



> hi hello welcome back to angst hour with mandie hope you all enjoy this mess that i whipped up and i am not sorry

The house was loud and crowded with many people at this party, and it wasn’t helping with Luke’s anxiety. 

Sure, he was already tipsy, because the only reason he’d agreed to come to this party was so that he could get wasted and not have to worry about anything. But the second that he saw Ashton in the corner of the room, his heart rate rocketed and he went straight for the vodka on the kitchen counter. 

But all of the alcohol in the world couldn’t cure that sinking feeling in his chest every time he saw him out of the corner of his eye. The way his eyes crinkled when he laughed, the smile on his face when he was chatting with someone, the way he was starting to gesture with his hands (a telltale sign that he was well on his way to getting tipsy himself). All Luke could do was try and mask the bitter taste in his mouth when he thought that he used to be the one who made Ashton do all of those things. 

But that was months ago. He was supposed to be moving on, moving up, moving forward. But being here was making him mentally and emotionally backpedal faster than a politician might do in a debate. He downed another shot before moving to the counter to make himself another drink. 

“At least you’re loosening up,” he hears Calum say with a chuckle as he approaches the counter to replenish his own drink. Calum was the one who dragged him to this party -- ‘it’ll be good for you,’ he said. ‘You’ll have a good time!’ he’d promised. But here Luke was, standing in a pool of his own misery as he looked at Calum with a furrowed brow. 

“I wouldn’t have come if you’d told me he was going to be here,” he hissed, sipping at his drink. He winced at the strength, but he was trying to forget. That was the whole point of tonight. Or at least it was supposed to be, before he’d seen those caramel curls and long fingers wrapped around a plastic cup. Just the idea of him strengthened the sour taste in his mouth, chasing it down with another sip of his drink. Maybe if he gets drunk enough, all he’ll be able to taste is the alcohol and not the flavor of pure jealousy on his tongue. 

“Dude, if I’d known he was going to be here, I wouldn’t have brought you,” Calum laments, sipping his own drink. “We can go, if you want.” He can see how much Calum doesn’t want to go, because Michael is here, and he knows how he feels about Michael. It’s the same way he’d felt about Ashton once upon a time. (And maybe how he still feels about him. But he wasn’t the one who made their life ending decision. So he had the right to still feel strongly.)

“I won’t make you go on my account,” Luke says softly. “So it’s fine. I’ll just steer clear.” Calum claps him on the back, a grin on his face as Luke sputters on his drink a little bit. “Are you trying to kill me or what?”

“Sorry,” Calum laughs a little bit. “If you need anything, come find me, okay? I won’t be far.” His gaze drifts over to Michael sitting in the other room, and Luke nods in agreement. “And if you need to go, let me know too.” 

“I’ll be fine,” Luke says, laughing stiffly as he tries to cover up the scraps of anguish that are coming up to the surface. “Go have fun, Calum.” Calum shoots him an apologetic look as he makes his way over to Michael. 

Luke admires them from across the house for longer than he probably should have -- he doesn’t want to seem weird, but seeing them happy and in love is exactly the kind of catalyst he needs to fuel his current path of self destruction. Before he knows it, his cup is empty again, and he’s going for another refill when he sees a hand reaching for the same bottle of vodka he is. He pulls his own back, looking over to see Ashton standing there next to him. He almost drops his empty cup on the floor when he sees him standing so close to him. He can smell him, the familiarity of him rushing over him and it takes everything in him not to just ease into him like nothing’s changed. 

“Sorry,” Ashton says, his voice uncharacteristically soft as he pulls his hand back. “I didn’t know you were here, sorry.” Luke watches as he swallows, following the motion as he looks down at his empty cup. Why did things have to be weird, why did things have to be awkward between them? Just because Ashton broke his heart didn’t mean he needed to be weird. (That was probably just the alcohol trying to talk some sense into him, however.)

“It’s fine,” Luke says, and his voice is a little hoarse. He’s not sure why. “Go ahead, I probably… should stop.” He sets his empty cup on the surface, turning away from Ashton. The room feels like it’s spinning, and whether that’s from the alcohol or the dizzying smell of Ashton, he isn’t sure. He grabs at the edge of the counter, knuckles white as he tries to keep himself from going into a panic. This isn’t the time or place or state of being that he should be in when he’s having a panic attack, but here he is. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Ashton asks softly, and Luke can barely hear him over the sound of his own heart rushing in his ears. Ashton’s seen him have plenty of panic attacks in the past, he knows what to look for. But that doesn’t mean that Luke wants for him to help him. However, he wasn’t exactly in the state of mind to let anyone know what he did or didn’t want. So he had to accept whatever help he could get. “Here, come on, let’s get you somewhere quieter, okay?” 

All Luke can do is nod in agreement, and he lets Ashton lead him into an empty bedroom nearby. It’s quiet in there, and all Luke can hear is his own heart beating and his breathing and he thinks how stupid he must look right now. He lets Ashton lead him to the bed, and he just squeezes his eyes shut, trying to calm down. 

“I’ll go get you some water, I’ll be right back, okay?” he reassures him gently, and all Luke can do is nod again. He thinks his head might get tired from all the nodding, or that Ashton might think him pathetic for not being in control right now. But he knows Ashton knows him well enough to not think that of him. 

It’s a few moments before he returns, pressing a cup of water into his hand. Luke mumbles some thanks, his breathing finally steading out as he sips at the water. He suddenly wishes it was more vodka, because he doesn’t want to have to be sober and deal with having to see Ashton like this. Or having Ashton see him like this. 

“Did you want me to get Calum for you, I know I saw him here…?” Ashton offers. He looks awkward and out of place, picking at a thread at the bottom of his shirt as he avoids any more eye contact. Luke’s looking down at the water in his cup, and contemplates throwing it at Ashton. He thinks that it might make him feel a little bit better, sending him home soaking wet with no explanation other than ‘my crazy ex boyfriend decided to throw some water at me after I helped him’. Luke pushes the thought out of his mind, and just sips at the water instead. Destruction won’t make his feelings go away, he knows that. 

“No, I don’t want to ruin his night,” he says softly, scuffing at the carpet with the toe of his boot. “I’ll be okay, I think. Thanks for -- the water, or... whatever.” He doesn’t know how to act with him anymore. That was the product of their messy break up -- Luke doesn’t even know how to act with himself anymore. 

“I don’t want to leave you alone,” Ashton offers, running fingers through those curls of his. Luke looks up just in time to observe it, and he curses himself out for looking anywhere but the floor. “You sure you don’t want me to get him, or anyone else…”

“You didn’t have any trouble leaving me alone before,” Luke mutters, and the words leave his mouth before the part of his brain that should filter it out could kick in. He doesn’t say anything, ignoring the pit opening in his stomach for letting himself say it. But it was true -- he’d left him alone before. He would do it again. 

“Luke…” he started, and there was a hint of agony in his voice. Funny, since he was the one who did this to them. He was the one who ruined everything. He didn’t reserve the right to be upset with him. Luke expects him to go, to leave him like he always did. He’s a little irked when he sits down on the bed next to him. It’s quiet between them for a few beats, the tension between them palpable. Ashton’s the one who breaks it. “What… What happened between us?” It’s a question he should know the answer to, but he asks it anyway.

Luke lets out a short laugh at the question. As if Ashton didn’t know what happened. As if Ashton had any doubt in his mind that he wasn’t to blame. “You know what happened,” Luke says. “You happened, Ashton.” Luke takes another drink of water, and he wishes harder than before that it was something else. Maybe if he wishes hard enough, it’ll turn into something else. But he’s no divine being, who could turn water to wine or anything else. He’s just Luke. Poor, pathetic Luke.

“You can’t pin all the blame on me,” Ashton argues. “It takes two to make things work.” 

“You didn’t even try,” Luke mutters. “You didn’t try to make it work. You just kept taking, and taking, and using me all up until you were tired of me and then tossed me aside. You broke me apart, Ashton. I’m still left with the pieces. And you walked away unscathed.” His tone was bitter as he peels himself up from the bed. He needed another drink, needed to forget this conversation. 

“Luke, you think I’m not hurting from this too?” he asks. “You were self destructive, you were pulling everyone else around you under the surface. I had to leave before you forced me to drown.” He looks him over, seeing the state he’s in. “And you’re still on the same path now. I’m sorry if I hurt you, but I was tired of being pulled beneath the waves of your misery. I tried so hard to make it work, and I fucking loved you, Luke. You used me as much as I used you.” 

Ashton admitting he was at some point of fault was relieving to Luke, but having his own flaws and insecurities thrown back into his face stung like hell. Luke looks back down at the cup in his hand and comes back to the idea of tossing it in Ashton’s face. But he’s an adult. He can handle this.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be fucking perfect for you,” he hisses, more venom on his words than he means for there to be. “I’m sorry I had flaws and problems. I loved you, and I trusted you with all of me and you let me go midair. You were my parachute and you let me fucking crash to the ground.” Luke isn’t sure when he started crying, but the hot tears streamed down his cheeks as a reminder that he’s still human, and still here, somehow. 

“I never wanted to hurt you like that, Luke, but… I had to take care of me,” Ashton says softly. “I needed a breath of fresh air. I couldn’t let you keep me down forever, in that same cycle… I couldn’t do it anymore.” His voice is quiet, and he can see the guilt on his face for leaving, for making him cry, but his words are firm. He would not be swayed. He’d grovelled before, when he left him, the times he’d threatened to beforehand. But he knew it wouldn’t work anymore. Ashton had an immunity to his blubbering at this point. “I tried to stay, you know I did. I tried for so long Luke… you made it so hard to love you.”

Luke doesn’t know what to say in response to that. He knows it’s true; his self deprecating nature made it impossible for someone to love him. For someone to even get him to believe he was loved for even a beat. Maybe this was all his fault. He should be blaming himself, instead of pinning the blame on Ashton. He was so used to trying to pin his problems on other people. He wondered why anyone even bothered with him anymore. Now wasn’t the time to be thinking about that -- he didn’t have time for that. He was too drunk to think about that. 

“I know,” is all he can scrounge up for words, and his eyes are on the floor again. He knows if he looks at Ashton again, he’ll lose what little control he has left over himself. It’s better to distance himself now. He needs this conversation to be over. 

He needs another drink. 

“I do… I still love you, Luke,” Ashton says softly. “After you learn how to love yourself again… maybe we can rethink this.” Ashton’s only saying it because he knows Luke is drunk, and he doesn’t think he will remember it. But Luke laps up those words like a kitten to milk, and for the first time in a long time, he can feel the hope rising in his chest. Luke doesn’t know it’s an empty promise, though. He just clings to whatever hope he can get. 

“Okay,” he says softly, and he offers Ashton a soft smile. Ashton pulls himself off the bed, placing a warm hand on Luke’s shoulder, and he feels his whole body lock up. He has to stop himself from becoming pliant under his touch, from getting too comfortable with him. He knows this isn’t real. He knows Ashton’s just being nice right now, when he doesn’t even deserve it. 

“Just… take care of yourself,” he says softly, and leaves Luke standing alone in the bedroom again. Like he always does. Luke turns after a moment, wiping his face with his long sleeves and stepping back into the kitchen.

He needs another fucking drink.

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me on [tumblr](http://cakelftv.tumblr.com) thanks !


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